10/23, no. 59

Last night/this morning/today is important because today I decided to be okay with moving on. Hurray.

10/22, no. 58

Everything seems much clearer and sharper outside. Backpacking and camping gives me really vivid dreams, and little is complicated when it comes to the outdoors. I'm going to save up and invest in a pair of stereotypical liberal arts attire (backpacking backpack and Tevas) and go out to Mt. Rainier or the Olympics more often, because a) I need to start taking advantage of PSO (Puget Sound Outdoors, the second most popular club on campus that goes on multiple trips - including kayaking, canoeing, hiking, backpacking, camping, rock climbing, etc - every weekend) and b) I love campus, I think it's beautiful, but a small vacation would be really nice.
Go outside. Things are better there.

10/2, no. 49

The absence of my roommate on Friday night left me with immense hours of pure solitude and free time. I stayed up until 4:30am (a recurring weekend trend apparently) cleaning the dorm to perfection so as to surprise Rachel, and with the few extra empty hours I lazed around researching internships, crafting my own personal letter of inquiry, watching Mad Men and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (two great watches, by the way), and listening to/watching/feverishly stalking Adele and the beauty that is her voice. I also made an attempt at writing a blog post, during which I had to stop because I couldn't handle the incredible artificiality that emanated in my blogged voice. I also had to stop because I realized that I tend to write extremely long, run-on sentences - just a bad habit, you'll find me doing that quite often (exhibit A: second sentence of this blog post).
Anyway, Friday night was good and it actually really made me feel somewhat at home (finally) with all the freedom to do whatever as I was completely alone in my living quarters. I read books and course requirements and other helpful sources that allowed me to narrow in on what I want to do in life (that's what it was! I was blogging about my problems in deciding a major because I had so many issues with chem this week...note to self, Ashley, you write HORRIBLY when you're stressed and wired). And I concluded that it's okay if I am not completely sure as to what I want to do right now, but seeing as how I started the year with the intention of completing a pre-med-based course requirement schedule, I'm going to finish the semester completing the hell out of those requirements. So I made an elaborate plan to sleep in on Saturday (yesterday) and get shit done.
But instead...I went to a cheese festival, a thrift store, and a cupcake shop, during which I planned to study like hell Saturday night (last night).
But instead...I imbibed in my first glass of college. Vodka in teacups while discussing Russian history with my roommate and two other friends wasn't a bad idea. The entire time I was amazed at how quickly alcohol affects the body, and I kept trying to look that up, and I was both amazed and embarrassed at the rapid effects of Asian glow, and I kept laughing at everything, and I kept announcing that I had to document the moment because it was my first time drinking in college so I wrote in my journal in front of everyone and I took a couple pictures.
No, I did not get drunk. I still hate the taste of alcohol. I only had a little bit (the equivalent of 1 1/2 shots, apparently) which was enough to make me giggle obnoxiously at everything. But I made people give me math problems to ensure I was alright. Okay, there we go - I've discovered something about myself: I'm lightweight. Laugh all ya want.
I now have a closer understanding of why people drink. I probably won't do it too often. I really don't like the taste.

On another note, I made (and by 'made' I mean 'threw a frozen pre-made platter into the microwave') paneer tikka masala with spinach basmati rice last night, and it was absolutely delicious.
On another note, I made (same definition of 'made' as above) samosas...and they were subpar, unfortunately. At least this will make me appreciate samosas at decent Indian restaurants more.
On another note, I already knew this part before but I must broadcast: Masala flavored naan and spicy hummus from Trader Joe's...the two foods that comprise my new 'eat good shit' diet.

9/28, no. 47

For a long time, I was into things like Boston and crappy old cars. And then I was distracted, which was fun, and then I was sad, which was not fun, but now I feel so free because I'm looking at all the things from which I was distracted! Boston is so beautiful, and I'm feeling an immense desire to walk through Boston Commons and the North End right now...it's the perfect antidote to life. Plus the air is so fresh in Boston, especially in the spring, which is a huge contrast to the nostalgic smokey thick air in the underground city of Boston, that which is the T (subway system), which I also love so much. God I miss Boston.
And for a long time I wanted to drive an old crappy cozy car, one with cloth seats and not a high-tech GPS and media screen for an auxiliary ipod but a drive for a tape, with warm couch-like seats in the back perfect for cozying up with friends after a bonfire or something with tons of food and blankets and music.
When I was distracted, I shifted from wanting to go to Boston to being comfortable with the idea of living in LA (although I never gave up on Boston entirely), and while I wouldn't mind LA, I still don't feel like that's where I belong. When I was distracted I also shifted from a vague desire for junky '98 Corollas to learning about top of the line specs, rims, tires, bodies for cars, and I had an interest for minimalism, the modern look of coupes, a 6-cylinder engine...but that's just not me. I am back to where I was. I am at an equilibrium. Being distracted can be fun. But I'm getting better, and it makes me feel so free from a phase of myself.

9/5, no. 30

A life in lists, part ii. To-do edition.

1. Clean my desk. I'll easily conform to the little idiosyncrasies I'm surrounded with, so I checked off the "neat" box on my housing application, although the entropy in room at home says otherwise. I knew that if my roommate maintains a neat living area, so will I. And both surprisingly but oddly naturally, I've been holding true to my strange pseudo-subconscious habit of conformity and keeping my dorm clean, neat, and fresh-smelling by utilizing our small fan and stealing Todd and Kevin's Febreeze occasionally. But this past weekend had a lot of ins and outs, which resulted in a lot of misplacement and lazy shrugging off of the clutter forming on my desk. Today I will clean.

2. Use the library more often. I'm accustomed to coming straight home after school, and college is unfortunately no different from that so far - I go directly to the dorm or sub after classes, usually to meet up with Todd and Rachel. But this is going to change. I'll spend a few hours studying in the library after classes to finish homework and what not, and afterwards I'll go back to the dorm. This will be of my best interest because not only will I be more proactive, but I'll also be spending less time in my dorm. My one of few complaints about UPS is that their library isn't open 24/7 like that of Boston College; it closes at two in the morning. I guess that's good for electricity and sustainability, but fuck it, I love the idea of an always open library too much. I guess

3. Use proper punctuation, capitalization, and grammar. Lists will not be exempt from this rule; I need to be more disciplined in my writing, even for my blog - or else I'll get lazy. And since I'm not a literary genius, I can't get away with broken writing rules, because I'll sound lazy or pretentious. I suppose that the first sentence of each bullet/number for each list may be the exception.

4. Stop sapping and be social. No more of this 'crying in front of the computer while in bed at night when you're roommate is out' business. No more excessive tearing up over missing people at home. Miss people, but don't let it hinder you from making memories and friends here. This one might be the hardest.

5. Take nothing but pictures. Leave nothing but tracks. This is a little saying I had to adhere to during my backpacking trip, and I most certainly am following this rule in my everyday life as well. Consume less (I've gotten rid of using disposable things, I love that my school promotes zero-waste events and habits!) and trash less. My beloved Nalgene water bottle goes everywhere I go, so no more paper soda cups are needed at the sub (our cafeteria). Or, if I must use paper soda cups at a restaurant or fast-food shack, forget those lids - they're unnecessary and are a big waste. Straws are also really unnecessary, but at least my school has biodegradable straws. Being green is a huge behavior at my school, and I actually feel a lot of peer pressure in being environmentally sound (pun!), which I'm really thankful for.

That concludes my heavily-commentated hitherto to-do list of the day/week/month/year. To finish, a couple poems from Courtney:

"Disfiguration Part One"

You have placed me in a jar

And here I sit

in a most undesirable position.

(I also find it difficult

to breathe).

It is unfortunate that

my vision must be so

blatantly one-dimensional

from this angle.

I cannot see

from the outside looking in.

How can you claim to care,

if you coerce me into this situation?

My posture erect,

I become a statue.

I am a statue,

that is my fact.

I begin to lose touch.

I am no stranger to my environment

(The atmosphere is sufficient).

And, if I may,

your name, sir?

"Disfiguration Part Two"

Sir,

here I stood vulnerable once

in front of you.

We exchanged greetings

and you informed me of

a sweet goodbye,

a graceful parting.

Yet here I stand

on my scaffold

for others to see -

a different me,

for I am a deformed face

of a once-young girl,

the girl you choked

while singing softly.