9/14, no. 37

I don't really want to make friends because I don't want there to be any chance of increasing distance between me and my friends at home. I don't see the necessity in going cock-hungry and meeting as many people as possible and making five thousand friends, so I stay in my room or go to Diversions Cafe to read or I go to the lounge to use the computer, etc etc. I still hang out with a few friends regularly, but there is so much more satisfaction in conversation with friends back home.

But I've recently discovered that this type of thinking is abnormal and weird, although it seems rational and quite normal to me. For the most part, everyone else thinks otherwise. And that's fine. I'm in no race to rush out and do five hundred different crazy things every day to bring home insane stories. I feel like this is normal. I feel like this is optimal. But it's getting clearer and clearer to me that my behavior is an anomaly in the long list of college students.

It seems as though people would rather assume that they'll always have you, and they'll run off doing all sorts of things and make little to no effort to maintain a solid relationship with you. They'll do all sorts of things that give them fun, tangible pleasure - partying, drinking, smoking - and that's all cool and I'm all for that, but it just makes me feel like a tired housewife. People get to go far and do all sorts of crazy shit while assuming that you stay home and manage the house. Perpetually remaining a housewife is so worth it even for just a little interaction (especially when you live so far away, a short conversation means so much. Five minutes of talking is worth the peculiar "she's antisocial" glances or "you shouldn't be late, Ashley!" or holding in urine in need of release). People overlook the fact that staying home too long will make my housewife behavior want to leave.

I realize that it's not too hard to get out and take advantage of the social shortcut of illegal substances or constantly finding things to do, but I don't feel any need nor urge to do any of that. All I really want is good conversation, which is something that doesn't need to end just by moving away. But in many cases, it does end.

I'm thrilled for my friends' new lives and new coming lives in the exciting realm of higher education. I'm overjoyed that many have found new relationships and friendships and lives of constant exhilaration and activity. I am so thankful that they're doing so well and thriving off of the utter pleasure they find in life.

I sometimes wish I had the desire to do so myself.