9/7, no. 32

The title that I find apt for this post is "Boston" by Augustana; the lyrics essentially reflect and closely define my entropic thoughts and feelings, but not in the conventional "boy needs to get away from girl" sort of way.

For what seems to be my entire life, I felt consumed, infatuated, and almost obsessed with the idea of an escape, a better life. I had my dreams (undergraduate years at Yale, transfer and obtain the accomplishment of a Bachelors of Science from Harvard and a graduate school education from MIT) but I was so immensely fixated upon the idea of setting a goal of some sort of escape, and attaining that goal.

The irony is that every time I would obtain such a goal, I would almost immediately look back, reflect, reminisce, miss, and ultimately long for my previous home.

Exhibit A: Moving to San Clemente. While back in Thousand Oaks, I would tell everyone how great San Clemente sounded - the great shopping areas, the miles and miles of beaches, the cute small-town lifestyle - and I sold myself the idea and I was so incredibly excited to move. When I did settle down in San Clemente, however, I cried on a daily basis, a symptom of first-time loneliness.

And now I am in Tacoma, Washington. Whether it was my juvenile habits of "escaping" or fate that brought me here, I'm living a life of greenery, environmentalism, studying, and prologues to new friendships. I'm learning from my old mistakes - sort of - so it's not as bad as my previous escapes were. Step by step I think I'm getting there. I trip and fall here and there but it gets easier to get up and go faster to catch up. I've discovered that it is possible to keep going - for a little bit - while looking back sometimes, but running with your head turned backwards can be a little exhausting after a long time. I just need to remind myself that even if it was my own mistake(s) that brought me here, I can't go back, I just need to look forward. So forward it shall be.