7/30, no. 8

I munch, I wish, I adore and I love. I am in love with a boy who is so much better than what people see upon an initial glance. He's Captain America before the brawn - and I love it because he is everything I want to see. Even after over five months, just the sight of him makes my heart flutter and nothing can even compare to the feeling of being held in his arms. He is by far one of the kindest, humblest, most generous and most understanding people I've ever had the luck to know. I think that's what attracted me to him in the first place - I'm pretty eccentric and my thoughts always seem to be so scattered, but he's always been so patient and understanding with me. I love that. He's one of those people who just get me, no questions asked. I will never meet nor know anyone like him. He's beautiful and I love him.

But I don't know, I think love - especially a first one like this - is something that can really drive you crazy. One moody "goodbye" will send a thousand different thoughts racing through your head, causing another night without sleep. The thought of ending the relationship will terrify you and let you sleep - but not without endless tears first. The empathy, the pain of feeling their pain, the heartbreak caused by the knowledge of the fear, uncertainty, and immense self-doubt that you know they're going through - all while attempting to put up a happy face on the outside. Of course, this isn't really a typical relationship (I don't think at least), so it's not like these are symptoms involved with every girl and boy. It's still scary, heart-wrenching, and draining at many times.

And yet I still maintain that all the tears, pain, uncertainty, anxiety, apprehension are worth it. It's worth getting butterflies in your stomach by just looking at him, it's worth the fact that everything in the world is perfect within just one hug, it's worth everything. And I take back everything - I'd take all the car talk, technology arguments, and little annoyances just to have him longer. I'd take it all back.

7/30, no. 7

breakfast: peach non-fat chobani yogurt with cheerios

I think I'm terrified of the idea of difficulty. the notion of cut-throat competition and countless sleepless nights is the biggest hindrance stopping me from pursuing an education in med school. what I'm looking for is support and intrinsic motivation. I want to spend countless sleepless nights actively researching different perspectives and different approaches to the neurochemical basis of ALS, Alzheimer's disease, and various other disorders.

unfortunately, this is reality. and seeing as how it's seemingly impossible for one to live out their dreams completely and perfectly, it becomes quite frequent and normal for many of us to change our passions, alter our views, and shape our habits to land an offshoot of our dream and call ourselves lucky. I guess I've motivated myself to be satisfied with this sort of life. I just need to start planning, but that involves the future, a word that nowadays seems to carry a negative connotation propelling the idea of difficulty, likely failure, stress, and dead ends.

7/28, no. 6

it's been on my mind for some time now, but I am now re-addressing some matters published on my previous blog: health and fitness.

it's not about being skinny, it's about maintaining the idea that "my body is a temple." I wouldn't let anyone "use" my body for low reasons, so why would I consume unhealthy foods that create toxins? it's hard to immediately start a completely new dietary routine, but I'm planning to get in the habit of choosing good over bad, especially before I hit that college cafeteria filled with unhealthy options begging you to choose the pathway to freshman fifteen (although my school is ranked number three for "most vegetarian-friendly campuses" here).

today's meal plan:

• day starter: one cup of yo! cup parfait (it's small and nice, and only about 160 calories) before my morning workout - this small cup of yogurt, granola, and strawberries is perfect to have before a mild workout. it's something, but not a whole lot, which makes it so great to have before an easy jog. although I might eat this as quick breakfast, I don't think I would consider it as the best option for a wholesome breakfast if I had time in the morning.
• post-workout snack/meal: one slice banana bread w/organic natural peanut butter our body craves healthy fats, the kind derived from things like nuts. it's easy to bake healthier banana bread (there are many recipes that use very little sugar and do not contain butter), so spreading some natural peanut butter on a slice of the bread is both yummy and feeds the body well.
• lunch: leftover lean chicken with romaine salad salads are fun to make and eat because they definitely deserve some creativity (you don't wanna be eating the same salad every single day now). adding some apples, cracked pepper, tomatoes, peppers, and egg whites make it a lot more fun and add more flavor. I try to avoid using dressing, but if I must then I opt for oil-based recipes (balsamic vinegar & olive oil, chinese chicken salad dressing, raspberry vinaigrette, etc) rather than creamy dressings such as ranch.
• snack: 4 small dumplings which amount to only about 150 calories and are filled with white meat chicken and various vegetables.
• dinner: who knows who cares

I think this meal plan is a relatively accurate description of my dedication to health and fitness. I care about it, but not to the extent that writing out meal plans and trying to advertise healthy foods is gonna make me rave.

so here it is, a toast to better days of better health

7/27, no. 5

I think that it is evident that I have had a diversion in style in the past year or so. ever since the sixth grade, I've been obsessed with fashion, ripping of street fashion hunters, copying cool cats shot by Scott Schuman and Garance Dore. at one point in middle school I even went through a severely embarrassing phase during which I aspired to be a model. everything I wore was infatuated with trying out new things -tight or loose, thrift stores, mom's from the 80s, borrowing friend's clothes and vice versa, etc. the one thing I was very good about was sales - I would only buy it if it was under $10. I always aimed to be cooler, I went to a couple parties (OMG people are kissing, omg omg!!) and to further explore the idea of "coolness," I even became vegetarian for a while. I had to become cooler by being different, so I set about knowing all sorts of bands (I guess an awkward stage of trying to be cool is how you find Bright Eyes, Beirut, Andrew Bird, etc.). looking back, I don't regret it because I definitely had a ton of fun in middle school during that phase. it's actually kind of hilarious to look back, seeing me in my "oh my gosh look at me trendsetter I'm going to be all glamourous when I'm older!" phase because it was during the same phase as my puberty-filled, acne-infested years. and I'm glad that my arrogance and naivety caught on earlier rather than later, because it gives me something really funny to look back on.

but for some time now I've been emerging far from trends. I like the clothes I can wear for a while - basic things like crisp white shirts, cream-colored knits, plain jeans (though I've only got about 2 or 3 that I can properly fit in), classic stripes, and sometimes fun prints, but only if I really like it. the good thing is that I'm buying less, but the bad thing is that these clothes usually come from places like Anthropologie or J.Crew, which explains the "buying less" aspect. it's also nice because my mom has a similar style so I can share her clothes. it's sort of nerdy, the transition...going from trying to be cool to wearing all my mother's latest styles. I still love to look at shots from the runway and photos on Garance Dore/Face hunter/The Sartorialist, don't get me wrong, but I just feel like less trendy clothes are more apt for my character now.

7/27, no. 4

many times we often find ourselves in a state of utter stress, competition, and fierce grueling to create a perfect future - if, that is, we have even 'found ourselves' at that point at all (what I mean is that sometimes we are so engrossed in something that we can hardly even realize what it is that we are really doing). this is applicable especially to students our age, the general youth: killing our bodies and mentally draining ourselves for four years of undergraduate education, constantly under tension under the premise that that tension will eventually get us somewhere, and undergoing bodily problems such as ulcers generated by the mere thought of "what am I going to do when I'm older?!" and I admit, I've fallen victim to this trap - and I'm not necessarily criticizing it, as many people who undergo this protocol of sorts are incredibly successful in their future, but in the long run, when it's time for us to go, what will we be proud of? what will truly make us proud? the fact that we schemed countless immigrants, fired too many to count, and worsened the lives of many faithful and dedicated employees, all to become a major CEO of a terribly corrupt company? or perhaps, as we reach the end, some of us may look back at their lives remembering a life of glamour, addiction, the pain of the constant need for love and affection, the agony of dependency on a substance, the suffering of living with emptiness, the seemingly impossible attainment of willpower.

in the end, what really makes a life?

the answer to this question is of course subjective, as we are all vastly different and actively shaping ourselves in various manners. but here's what I thought: although I stressed out here and there at various points in high school, I enjoyed life too - especially during senior year. I have set a future for the next four years for myself, and while doing so I have also realized the importance of the "getting there" part - the part during which you make lifelong friends, discover the dynamic work of love, and understand that life is not idle, but is quickly progressing - as slow as it may seem at other times. I am disgusted by the idea (for myself) of me killing my body and mind for a word: the future.

I believe that in the end, I want to look back satisfied with my life. that said, this is my life of things I want to accomplish:

-a B.S. in neuroscience (I want to go into research but I might go to medical school instead, that is for me to decide in my early years of undergrad. if I do go to med school, however, I don't think it is of integral importance of me to go to the hardest or most prestigious school - not that I could get in anyway. I want to aim high but go somewhere where I won't be on the bottom. I am terrified of that sort of competition).

-I want not more friends, but more times with those I love. this is absolutely crucial.

-a more active role in my church

-I realize that I could never completely financially thank my parents for what they've given to me and how immensely they've supported me (academically, financially, etc.) but I hope to have solid relations with them in the future and do everything I can for them

and when it's all stripped away, these four things are what matter most to me. all four of these things are not something necessarily 'attainable' but are rather that which requires dedication and faithfulness in the long run. it's important because for me, in the end, the journey becomes more important and significant than the destination.

7/26, no. 2 (pt. 2)

a vital component of every vacation: the culinary aspect.

upon arrival, we drove to a very cute, very small town called Jena. we walked around with little to no knowledge of the area, only that there was a small Carl Zeiss museum around somewhere (dad's a fan).

that said, we knew even less about the surrounding eateries. we walked down a street that included all of my favorite personal aesthetics (cobblestone ground, small

boutique shops, old vines around the wall, emanating an overall very organic and

almost archaic yet modern theme). so it was fitting for my whole family and I to agree on this endearing open-air restaurant (pictured). and the food was not at all quin

tessential German cuisine! instead they had pan

s of food - literally served in the pan in which it was cooked - with random but great ingredients and ideas like pears, spinach, burgundy, feta cheese, breads, etc (not all together at once, though) - all with a bottle of pellegrino on the side.

the ambiance was really great, and it seemed like mainly students and younger people ate her to talk and socialize. there was the occasional starbucks dude with the laptop and coffee, but for the most part it seemed like students from the university came here. as I people-watched, it made me legitimately wish I could live a life like theirs...of course, it was all under the premise that their lives were care-free and stereotypically young and European, with cigarettes and champagne during the after-hours of the city, spraying graffiti in hopes of sending an old

marxist message from pre-war Europe, etc...their lives could have and probably were vastly different than what I conjured of them, but nevertheless, it made me dream. and I miss the feeling of dreaming, of hoping and wishing for something bigger in life, because it was then that I suddenly felt as if blood was rushed through under my skin and

I had awakened from a state of numbness and idleness.

the next day, we ate at the cafe at Der Glaserne Manufaktur (the "transparent factory" aka the Volkswagen factory). this was more upscale German food compared to what we had later on. I'm not a big aficionado when it comes to sausage so I opted for a potato soup (with sausage, I couldn't avoid that, so I shared). and there were fries and dense, dense sauce with the pork, and my brother got a burger that was virtually no different than those served here in the states. so it made me think: why does America get so much criticism for its 'unhealthy ways' when the traditional food in some areas of Europe are just as unhealthy? now, mind you, I'm the last to jump on the patriotic bandwagon, but this notion nevertheless incepted throughout my head. maybe, I thought, just maybe...it's a result of self-criticism generated by the idea that European ways are above that of the US, perhaps? and maybe tha

t's because, Go

d forbid, maybe the general American public dreams?

perish the thought, right? but still, the notion lingered.

in Europe, it's written law to serve beverages in their resp

ective brand name glass. for example, a bottle of Pilsner Urquell must be served in a tall glass cup with the embossment "Pilsner Urquell." I like this. and it's not a legality restricted to only nicer restaurants - anywhere and everywhere you can be guaranteed service with a liquid in a cup with its name. something about this neatness, organization, constancy, parallels, correspondence, and maybe even the commitment..it's really refreshing in a time where everything else seems chaotic. I'm not neat/organized/constant at all, so I guess it's just a nice subtle little cultural difference.

generally speaking, I hate breakfast. I hate eggs, I don't like sausage (ergo, no bacon), and there seems to always be something wrong with toast at 8 in the morning. essentially, I find nothing appetizing during the early hours of the day.

or so seemed to be the case pre-trip. pictured to the right is a photo of the basement breakfast area for the Hotel Waldstein, our great little Czech abode during our stay in Prague. the breakfast area was so archaic and adorable, and I was told that it was used as a wine cellar centuries ago.

the breakfast options at every hotel and every restaurant and every home we stayed at were always amazing and consistently maintained an immense amount of appeal even at 6, 7, 8, and 9 am. countless various types of breads (poppyseed, whole wheat, white, rye, pumpernickel, etc) lay out in cloths in baskets, with an equally diverse platter of butters and cheeses. healthy, ain't it? not to worry, there were also so many incredible foods like various yogurts, granolas, cereals, fruits, cucumber and tomato salads, plenty of different juices, arguably the most delicious coffee I've ever had (in Dresden, not Prague..had to make that disclaimer!), different-styled eggs and sausages (a blessing for the brothers, not me), all sorts of great European spreads (like apricot, which I love with some brie toasted on rye) and always availability of that faithful nutella.

unhealthy? maybe. delicious? always. while, eating, I would think and desire to live in a home that shared a similar theme and style, archaic, organic, homely, small, cute...and then I worried that I might get too easily habituated and consequently sick of such a style. is it true that all paradise is paradise lost, and any more is just over-indulgence and decadence? it's like in n out, sort of, or anything else that's great...you're always going to want it, you crave it so often, it almost always sounds good, but would you want to eat it three times a day everyday? no. and this parallel notion applied to my future home and other ideas really scare me, even though it's all very superficial and unnecessary. oh well, a girl can dream (always a blessing to have the ability to do so).

7/26, no. 3

"there's so much more than me and you"

when I first heard these words sung by Ingrid Michaelson ("turn to stone") I feel as though the message was directed at those who are burdened by the desire for a relationship. many times it seems like the media's influence on the general youth is evident when we hear/feel/empathize/sympathize with those who wish for an immediate "someone special."

I'm lucky to have one of those "someone specials," a few of those someones actually. but something I've also noticed: that desire amounts to be a much greater/bigger expectation/dream than we expected, so sometimes people change in relationships. I don't know whether it's simply because of influence or inspiration or that they simply weren't figured out as a person until they entered that relationship..but I just hope that it isn't because they don't dream anymore after their desire/dream for a relationship was fulfilled.

because it's a horrible feeling of numbness to suddenly wake up with this realization

7/24, no. 2 (pt. 1)

europe: tales from the deep

in the middle of july, my family and I took a vacation. more specifically, however, we visited Frankfurt, Jena, Dresden, and Kandern in Germany, Prague, Czech Republic, and Strasbourg, France.

what I learned: Germany is really environmentally progressive; this is inspiring. countless long walks on cobblestone ground is beautiful but ultimately painful with scoliosis. Skoda, the Czech car, has a really great logo that from afar looks like that of the Boston Celtics. in general, the food in Germany and Prague is not to die for, but that does not lessen my positive perception of the areas.

what I disliked: before the trip, I was most excited for Prague, CR. and it is incredibly beautiful, with all the great landscapes, views, castles, historic buildings, etc. but there were so many acres of potentially great marketplaces that were instead used entirely on tourism. now, mind you, I don't immediately glare at the idea of tourism because I understand that many countries and regions gain a large percentage of GDP from tourism. but all these large outdoor plazas seemed to take over the entire city (Prague is much much smaller than I expected). door-to-door souvenir shops and caricature artists where all over the streets, everywhere. it put a bit of a damper on the experience, but once I got out of that cesspool all was good.

7/24, no. 1

because I do not find the title 'teenage angst' to be so apt to my life as of now, I've created another blog to more fittingly describe my thoughts. I feel that the majority of these upcoming posts will be based on what I find to be the usual, almost stereotypical blog entry themes: diet, travel, hope, and food. however, I hope to address these subjects with an ample amount of personal insight...which explains the title of the blog, "munch wish adore" - it's my cheesy take on the popular novel/movie eat pray love.